As usual I just first want to take the time to give much love and gratitude to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and my entire Spiritual Team!!!∞
Hey y’all👋🏾 I hope everyone is reading this in good spirits, and if not quite there yet, I hope we are headed in that direction.
There is so much inside of me that I feel God pushing out.
Like I said in other posts in 2022, you won’t get perfection here, but you will get truth and transparency.
Having this space, a space that God had me to birth where I can be unapologetically and authentically me is a wonderful thing, but I’ll be honest and transparent and admit that it’s not easy.
Although I have spent many years doing what it is that I am doing here in a much more intimate setting, it is also unfortunately what has created this hesitation because of all that it entails. However, where my Heavenly Father leads me I will go because I trust Him with all of my heart and soul.
God made it to where I learned early on in life to not care about other’s opinions of me (and there have been many), and because I have always had His support despite all of my many faults it keeps me going.
This life we are living is not simple, well at least not until we learn to trust the process and more importantly trust God.
Being transparent and exposing myself to everyone is something that I don’t think, no I know that I couldn’t do without God leading me.
I sometimes feel crazy because it’s almost like I am experiencing two completely different worlds simultaneously.
I want nothing more than to do what it is that God has created me to do, but again I’m being honest and transparent here so I must also mention how in doing so and walking this path it can feel exhausting at times, especially when you don’t have support in the physical.
It is a battle like none that I have ever experienced before, and I have been through the trenches, but this here is something so different.
It’s like I want nothing more than to live out God’s plan for my life and make Him proud, but at the same time I have experienced so much and have felt so used that it causes hesitation. That hesitation creates a disappointment in myself because I start to feel like I am allowing emotions that I know in my heart is an attempt by the op to not get these words and messages across because of past experiences.
I know that my words will be a little confusing to some, but God has also let me know that they will be perfectly understood by many who will just – get it. So again, I’ll keep going because I know the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me along the way.
There are things that I have experienced in the past couple of years that has completely changed me in ways that are hard to describe right now. And of course, I will eventually speak about it all later but right now I am still settling into some of the changes.
If this post seems to be a bit all over the place just try to understand that I have written so much that hasn’t seen the light of day because of me second guessing if I should share, but God keeps sending messages and telling me to just get it done. Rest assured there will eventually be some sort of organization here, but for now I just have to keep putting out the things that are put in my spirit to share.
One of the things I’ll share is how a few years ago God blessed me with something that I prayed so hard for, and I am still so grateful that no matter what I will keep attempting regardless of how many times it takes, or how long it takes, because that’s just how appreciative I am that He has blessed me the way He has. The blessing has absolutely nothing to do with any material possession, but it has everything to do with what’s inside of me that no one would ever even know about unless I verbally shared it because I still kept going and achieved many accomplishments during this time. So, everything looked fine from the outside looking in.
So, I am gonna share with you all right now just one of the many things that God has done for me…
God renewed and restored my mind after decades of experiencing trauma, hurt, abuse, grief, and indescribable pain from it all.
A few years ago, I literally had an audible internal scream going on in my head that lasted some time and I thought would drive me insane. I’m talking about inside my mind daily I was screaming. Screaming loudly and feeling like I was going to be stuck in this mental prison. And the ONLY thing that saved me was GOD.
One thing that stayed constant for as long as I can remember was me staying in prayer. I never stopped talking to God. I strengthened my relationship with Him. I allowed the Holy Spirit in like never before. I also strengthened my relationship with Christ. I also want to reiterate the fact that God allowed me to experience it all without falling into the traps of religion.
Before I continue, I want to express the fact that I don’t believe that religion is all bad, but what I do believe is that it causes separation and division amongst God’s children, which ultimately does more harm than good.
What God has also brought me to understand over the years is that each and every one of us will experience life in our own ways which is why regardless of what I experience with whomever, I don’t judge. Just like I have been misused and hurt by many, there are people who I’m sure has also felt the same from me in the past.
Which leads me to another part of this journey that I have struggled with.
I do not want to talk about or expose anyone, but it is also my duty to share my journey, so I have been praying about ways that I can tell my story without including others that much. I know that my experience will have to include situations that involved others, but I will continue to do my best sharing my story and experiences without making it about anyone else outside of myself because my responsibility is to get certain messages across, and it’s not about the other parties involved at all. This is about my journey and the work I have been led to do for The Most High, which is ultimately to help others get to know Him better.
Regardless of what I have experienced in this life, I would like for it to be understood that I truly still love everyone and don’t hold any grudges or have any hard feelings towards others who I have ever known or encountered, no matter if I had to distance myself or not. Just like they don’t know my full story I don’t know theirs either. It is not my place to judge, and I am thankful that God has blessed me with a loving and forgiving heart because I am not sure I would have been able to heal to the extent that I have throughout my life otherwise.
I won’t lie and say that I didn’t try to change that a time or two when in past abusive relationships, but in the end I still always prayed for them and never tried to prey on them. I’ll admit it even irritated me at times and I would wonder why God made me this way because in the moment I’d feel like they didn’t deserve for me to forgive them so easily, but now that is one of many traits that I possess that I am truly grateful for and wouldn’t change a thing.
I have come to fully accept the way that God created me to be, but it definitely wasn’t easy to do in this world that we live in. I have just had to come to grips that I cannot, nor do I desire to change anyone’s opinion of me, and I most certainly have no desire to change who I am. I have also come to discover through the years that it is not for me to defend myself or prove anything to others.
Anyway, I know that this post is getting kind of long, so I’ll go ahead and wrap it up here. But before I go I just want to say again to bear with me, because until I get into a more consistent groove I just have to keep putting out what the Holy Spirit puts on my heart to get out so that I won’t keep putting it off. Rest assured that there will eventually be some sort of rhythm here, but until then this is what it is. 🤷🏾♀️
Before I end this, I do of course want to say that I truly thank and appreciate you for sharing some of your very valuable and precious time here with me today 🥰 and I hope that my words were useful to you in some way.
Remember God loves you and so do I!
Peace 💜